Dudes. I’d like to think I’m fairly normal. Okay. Normal enough. But there are days where I would lose my effin’ head if it wasn’t attached to my effin’ body. I put my keys down on the table, I turned around…and those suckers were frickin’ gone. So after tearing ass through the house. I found them.

In the refrigerator.

Oh, and that’s just incident number one. So later, I’m at work. You know. Working. And then I’m taking off for lunch and I’m trying to find my phone because I’m addicted to it and I can’t even have a meal without it. Don’t judge. You know you do it, too. And I’m getting all bothered and pissed that I can’t find it. Then I realize….

It’s in my hand.

And the clincher? I was actually talking on it at the time.

I think my mind completely forgot that’s what a phone is actually for. Kind of like how fast food restaurants forget that they are supposed to serve food…and then things like the McGriddle are born. Granted, I loves me a McGriddle. But that isn’t food, at best, it’s a food substitute. A freakin’ delicious maple-y food substitute. Great. Now I’m hungry. This happens every time I watch “Super Size Me”… I always want to go get a Big Mac.

But let me get to incident number two, which involves the weather. I hate it when it’s cold in the morning and then hot in the afternoon. I’m talking “jacket weather” cold. Which I wear IN to the office and then forget to take OUT of the office. Then by the end of the week, I got, like, 4 jackets at the office and then I end up freezing my ass off on Friday because I’ve run out of jackets. And then I got to lug 4 jackets home from the office, and the security guard is giving me the stink-eye because I look like some crazy jacket thief. Not that I care about the stink-eye. Brass balls over here, brass balls.

I’ve actually had to start leaving a little note on my computer to remind me to take my jacket home. Like some crazy Alzheimer’s patient. I would put a reminder on my phone.

If I could find the damn thing.

It’s probably in the refrigerator.