Monthly Archives: August 2011

Speed Limits are Suggestions, Right?

No, dudes, I am not advocating speeding…much. Just the idea that sometimes I see “rules” that I’m pretty sure people have just made up. Like those little stop signs in the mall parking lot. I mean, come on, those aren’t even regulation size. I can’t be expected to take that seriously. What are they going to do? Chase me with one of those golf carts? At least THAT’S regulation size.

Why don’t they let you use the bathroom 30 minutes before landing? Because now that you’ve said it….I totally have to go now. 5 minutes ago … NOTHING. But as soon as that light goes one….it’s on like DonkeyKong and then I can’t think about anything else. I think they should do a fake-out announcement, [psyche!] then let you go to the bathroom, and a few minutes later, turn on the real light. That little gem of advice is free, FAA…unlike my first checked-bag.

OH and don’t even get me started on why you can’t bring your own candy to the movie theatre. And no, it’s not because it costs $15 to buy SourPatch Kids…it’s because they never have the candy that I want right then. Maybe I’m in the mood for a PayDay? Why? Because those are freakin’ delicious, that’s why. And I deserve a break. Oh wait. That’s for when I want a KitKat. Shit. What’s the PayDay slogan?

Great. This is going to bug me. All. Freaking. Day.

And then there’s my dry cleaner. You all know that I’m amazed by their whirling carousel of clothes. What is that crazy magic? But that still doesn’t explain why they make me pay in advance for one-day service. I’m already having to drop it off by 8am. Are they thinking that I purposely got up early to drop off that shit just to stiff ’em with the bill later? Apparently they underestimate my laziness when it comes to martinizing.

Speaking of laziness, what happened to all those “no-shirt, no-shoes, no-service” signs. Those disappeared around the time those tree-hugging, dirt-munching hippies became beamer drivin’ overfocused yuppies. I, for one, think they should bring those back – but this time, make it “no pajamas” signs. I hate seeing faded flannel at 3 in the afternoon. Unless you are Michael Jackson, you can’t wear pajama pants in public. And let’s face it – he WAS a musical genius but he was ALSO bat-shit crazy.

Because, for the love of Pete, I had to get dressed this morning to drop off my dry cleaning… so should all those lazy asses.

80’s Cartoons: Created by People on LSD?

I think all the cartoons that we watched as children were created by people on LSD. Seriously, stay with me on this one. With all these cartoons making a comeback on the big screen, let’s do some soul-searching here. Small blue creatures that are being harassed by a wizard that wants to turn them into gold? Smurfs blow my mind.

So walk with me friends, as we take a psychedelic step back into time:

Let’s start with the bears:
Gummi Bears: bouncing here and there and everywhere. OH just shoot me now. This was an especially weird one. We got a cartoon based on a delicious sugary snack. That go ape-shit when they drink this special gummi beary juice. And they live in the forest hiding from everyone… wearing clothes from a Renaissance Faire. This totally sounds like a guy I knew in college. Come on, who didn’t know that guy?

Care Bears. Now this is some truly fucked up stuff. It’s like they took every diagnosis from Psychology 101 and put them in fuzzy, cuddly bears … that shoot magic beams from their fuzzy, cuddly bellies. Tell me that isn’t weird? And if I remember correctly, the lived in some sort of cloud city? Not a cool cloud city like the one that Lando was on, well, before he betrayed everyone and then started wearing Han’s clothes. Nerd moment: why was he wearing Han’s clothes? That’s just stalker creepy.

Then there were the GoBots. Which were the poor’s man Transformers. Cars that could morph into robots that wanted to solve crime could be cool, but how did someone think of that? I’m not saying, but I think someone was trippin’ in their car.

Granted, when it was Optimus Prime it was cool. But GoBots were just … lame.

Jem. Let’s face it, she WAS truly outrageous. From her holographic jukebox that could turn the world into a holodeck, to her dumb-ass boyfriend who never realized that she wasn’t two different people. Yeah, I think was the brainchild of whoever invented Ecstacy.

Speaking of freakiness. Who doesn’t remember Rainbow Brite and her crazy striped leggings? I’m still not sure what the cartoon was about, but I think that’s because she had twinkly eyes. And twinkly eyes are just spooky and slightly hypnotic. Couple that with being hopped on Sugar Smacks and chocolate milk….and that’s just a recipe for madness.

I think her show came on right before My Little Pony.

It all comes back to ponies. Son of a bitch, I wish I had a pony.

I Have Superpowers.

Not like Krypton superpowers, but “useful” superpowers. Because how many times do you need to have lasers shoot out of your eyes. Okay, bad first example, because that IS really cool. But you have to admit that some superpowers are really not that cool. Like those stupid WonderTwins, one turned into animals and one turned into things shaped from water. Zan, form of a bucket of water. Jayna, form of a camel. And don’t even get me started on their pet space monkey, Gleek. I think Gleek’s special power was being able to make that bucket of water disappear and then magically….reappear.

At least he was housetrained.

Seriously, let me explain my superpower awesomeness:

The ability to know which lane is the slowest in traffic…and merge into that lane. Yes. I know. You’re jealous. But don’t worry – you, too, can have this skill. First, find some traffic. Second, start driving and look for these key signs that the lane is about drop 10 miles per hour: people texting while driving, geriatric drivers heading for a Luby’s early-bird-special, and my favorite, people who have to look at their passengers when driving. Why do people do this? This is just retarded. Your passenger knows what you look like, and you’re separated by mere feet in a practically soundproof chamber. Just drive. You can talk, they’ll still hear you, dumbass.

The ability to order awesomely at restaurants. Oh, this is an incredibly useful superpower, I can scan a menu and know exactly what will taste good at that moment. I used to think this was because I always ordered things with bacon – but then I realized “no, this IS a superpower” and then I just learned to live with my greatness. This superpower is coupled with the ability to remember where I ate delicious food. If you need to know where to get snowcones, brick oven pizza and bacon jam (yes, this magic exists)…just call me, I’ll blow your mind with places to go.

The ability to remember useless trivia. I have mentioned this before – if you are on a game show – make me your “phone a friend” … and then prepare for the money to roll the fuck in. Unless it’s geography – while I can tell you where food is, I cannot tell you what direction I am facing.

That’s my kryptonite. Well, that and camping. I freakin’ hate camping.

Ponies: I should’ve had one.

Everyone wanted a pony when they were little. Not that I’m complaining. But I’m complaining. Mr. J had a pony. And not just any pony…but a miniature pony. That’s like the cutest kind of pony you can have – one that’s the size of a Labrador. Granted, it was really his mom’s pony, but still… there was a pony. Our conversations go like this:

Me: “It would have been cool to have a pony.”

Mr. J: “I had a pony.”

Me:  “Shut your pie hole.”

Side note: Other than the pony thing, Mr J is awesome.

Anyway, I think most kids wanted to have a pony when they’re growing up. Like we were all going to be the Lone Ranger or She-Ra or something. Okay, I know some guys that still want to be She-Ra…and actually, they can pull that shit off…. You’d think the glitter would be overkill, but it’s actually pretty understated. What? Oh yeah. Ponies.

Ponies are probably not as cool as you would think, and I’ve given this some thought:

1. Feeding the pony – Unlike the Tina, the llama, in Napolean Dynamite….you cannot feed it ham or chicken enchiladas. Well you could, but then that leads to #2…..literally.

2. Cleaning up after the pony. Let’s not get into specifics here. Because we all have to eat lunch today and I hate having to take chili off the table for any reason. Let’s just say, Saint Bernard times 1000. Your pooper scooper may actually disintegrate on you.

3. People will want to breed your pony with their pony. It’s the “Pony Circle of Life.” Mr J told me a story that has scarred me – it involved a makeshift ramp and a really long glove. I’ve seen this type of thing on Mike Rowe’s Dirty Jobs (you already know this, because I watch way too much television)…and trust me, the miracle of life is so heinous, it will change you forever. As in, you will remember the time BEFORE you saw it (and long for that awesome innocence)…and there will be the time AFTER you saw it….and, friends, you cannot UNSEE that.

I’m sure there are many more reasons why ponies would be a hassle that I’m leaving out – mostly because I’m too lazy to think about it anymore…and I think Hoarders is about to start.

But all that aside, you’d be able to say “I had a pony.”

Shut your piehole, Mr J.