Monthly Archives: September 2011

Facebook Thinks I’m Obsessed with Pie and Cursing.

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Have you ever looked back at what you post on Facebook? I was actually kinda amused/somewhat shocked/intrigued by the abbreviated phrases that I have been spewing out to my friends. Granted, I did this unscientific search on my iPhone, not my computer – so the screen was small, and it only showed me the first 3-5 words of my posts.


I know that I’m not one of those syrupy sweet posters that talk about love and puppies and rainbows. Neither am I the one putting together a chronicle of my day: (you know who you are)…”I’m eating breakfast!/Driving home!/ Getting ice cream!/Taking a Shit”) – let’s hope all those events happened seperately.
 
I have come to the conclusion that I must have Tourrette’s Syndrome or I’m borderline certifiable. I figured out that like different food groups, I have different post groups – and I’m leaving out the boring ones (Happy birthday/Congratulations/Glad you’re outta prison).

SERIOUSLY: THESE ARE ACTUAL POSTS I HAVE MADE:

The Food Group (or commonly known as “I am obsessed with food, specifically, pie”)

Best pie.

Those cakes are the best!

Lemon? That sounds awesome!

Pie is awesome.

You had me at Burger King

An entire food truck for…

 

I have an affinity for quoting REALLY great movies:

220…221…whatever it takes (Mr Mom)

Gimme some sugar, baby (Evil Dead)

Mooooon river…… (Fletch)

Superfly TNT…that’s all I have …(Pulp Fiction)

This. Is. Sparta! (300)

 

I also like talking about people’s mothers:

You kiss your mother with that mouth?

Happy birthday to yo’ momma

 

Here are some deep thoughts that I am seriously thinking about needlepointing onto a pillow:

It’s all in the knees.
Babies are great…like veal.
Mark Twain speaks the truth.
That may truly blow the commode.
Drinking ALWAYS makes it better.

 

My favorite words are “dude” and “awesome”:

Dude, it’s a dry heat.

Dude, that is awesome
Two words: Awe. Some.

Finally, I bring you the WTF Category. For the life of me, I can’t imagine what type of conversation I could have been having – because this shit is wheels-off-the-bus crazy.

                Way to raise “Hell”vetica, Mike
                As in, like, crack?
                Are you fucking serious?! 
                You do love Disneyland…
                Was it exorcist quality?
                You got a falcon?
                You’re about to start singing…
                That was so awful…I think
                Well played. Vince. Well played.
                You only have one? 
                That shut is funny. Syphilis you…
                The “chalk eater”…
                Just so klassy…with a “k”

Good to know that these amazing words of wisdom are being saved for future generations. I just hope they enjoy reading them while eating pie. Speaking of pie – and how my world apparently revolves around it….
I leave you dudes with this post nugget of awesome-ness: “Shut your goddamn pie-hole.”

I’m sure I meant that in the BEST possible way. 

To someone’s mother, no less.

I Heart Honey.

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Next to bananas, honey is one of the most awesome foods ever. You can eat it by the delicious spoonful, you can drizzle it on shit, and I’ll be damned if you can’t put a little dab in your hair when you need a little pick-me-up. Okay, not so sure about the last part, but I bet you could. It’s freaking amazing.

Mother Nature hit the jackpot with this one – who would have thought that something made by bees would be so amazingly delicious? I don’t know which end of the bee this nectar of the gods come from – and i don’t care. Because yes…it’s freaking amazing!

Honey will drive people to stealing. No, seriously.

Just yesterday, I’m at work, you know, working. And then I see that HR has sent out an email. Now normally, it’s nothing crazy, just telling us about some meeting that we have to go to or that there’s leftover cake in the breakroom. But THIS email was different – I put it in my top five email correspondance with HR:

A package of honey buns has come up missing from the 5th floor break room.  Whoever removed them from the table, please return them!  Thank You!

Can you fucking believe that? I don’t know what’s more awesome – that someone had the balls to STEAL the HoneyBuns, or that someone was pissed enough to report the theft to HR.

But back to why honey is so awesome.

Besides being housed in funky squeezable bears, the best things are associated with the name “Honey”. Like your significant other. Like that chain-smoking waitress at that diner by the highway with the kick-ass pie that has a crust brushed with honey. Like honey butter. And, of course, who can forget about the Honey Badger.

What? You aren’t familiar with the Honey Badger? You have to click here and check out this video of the Honey Badger. Which is the most fearless creature on the planet. To quote the Randall who voices this video, “Honey Badger don’t care.”  Honey Badgers are all about eating and being badasses.

Honey Badger ain’t scared…Honey Badger doesn’t give a shit. Nothing can stop the honey badger when it’s hungry.”

It’s a freaking Honey Love Fest over here.

I gotta get back to work……AFTER I eat these HoneyBuns.


 

Summer Colds Make No Sense.

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You know what I’m talking about. It’s freaking hot as an oven outside and I’m in here sniffling and headache-y. That’s lame on so many levels. One, because I hate being sick. It’s like having a day off but then being a waste of space so you can’t even enjoy it. Two, the phrase “summer cold” is kind of retarded. Colds are for the winter, when we’re already miserable. Not for the summer, when we’re supposed to be living some sort of Corona-soaked beach dream complete with perfectly cut limes. Not Sudafed Sinus. Which go down smooth with Coronas. I know this for a fact. 

This makes me think of other things that don’t make sense when you say them out loud. Like fat-free butter. What is butter if not fat? This isn’t Russia. Give us real butter! I can’t image what they are replacing real butter with. Probably something that is going to make me grow a third nipple. Now if it was a third arm, that would be cool. I could use that. You know to open doors and slap children….at the same time. But just a third nipple doesn’t really help me much. Not even in the porn industry. They have a higher shock-value threshold. To them, nipples are like toes. Nothing really shocking there.

What the hell am I talking about?

Oh yeah.

I also think that dry cleaning should just be renamed “super expensive magical cleaning.” Because, honestly, how do you clean something without WATER? What are they doing back there, rubbing two sticks together on my fine linens? WTF? Whatever voodoo magic that goes on back there apparently costs 89cents a shirt… amazing how cheap magic is these days.

Harry Potter can suck it.

But seriously, the momma-jomma for me would be “pay per view” TV. Okay, so TV is not free as it is. Which is a damn fine shame because that magic box is pure joy. But having to “pay” on top of my monthly fee to see an MMA Cage match or Gaga Live at the Garden?  Okay, I would do none of those things. Why not, you ask? Well, I’m not cool like that. That awesomeness is reserved for hipsters.  I’m of the wait-til-it’s-on-heavy-rotation-for-free in a few months kind of girl. So the thought of paying extra now just to see if for regular price in a month is fucked up.

Plus , there are a ton of things on DirecTV that I already paid to watch, like this Discovery special on people with extra body parts…. Bonus points if they show BOTH extra arms and nipples.

The porn industry would have a field day with that combo.