It’s weird going to the store during the day. I’m talking about during the work week. It’s like that first time you see your gradeschool teacher at the grocery store. In the produce section. In flip flops. Okay, okay, the flip flops were a bit much, but you get the idea. It’s that kind of weird. Anyway, the Mr and I had a Halloween party last weekend, so the week prior, I was at just about EVERY store in town (twice).  And let me tell you, those ladies at Hobby Lobby take their fabric very seriously. They’ll cut you.

No, seriously. They. Will. Cut. You.

I’m not talking stores like Target. Target during the day is pretty much the same as Target at night or the weekends. That’s why we love Target. I’m talking about those “other” stores – you know, the ones you have to go to because they sell specialty items. Like fabric, weird cooking utensils, and clothing with various “holes” cut out. What? Don’t give me that look….you know what I’m talking about.

Hobby Lobby and GardenRidge. Sure, these stores look like they’d be all laid back and cool. But they take their crafts REALLY seriously. Kind of like when you’re going to customs at the airport and they ask if you want to declare something…and you totally want to declare that you’re fucking drunk. Yeah. They don’t think that’s funny. The TSA was not issued a sense of humor with that snazzy uniform.

But back to Hobby Lobby. Don’t be fooled. They are spry. And not at all sweet. Some crazy lady was buying about 80 different kinds of material at the Fabric Counter to make some bizarre teapot-themed quilt or 500 outfits for her dog. She was waving that tape measure around like a pair of wilty nunchucks. Oh, did I mention she had the crazy eyes. And a long pinkie nail. Which instantly means that she must be a cocaine-snorting-quiltin’-lunatic. I recommend that you steer clear of that geriatric ninja.

Office Supply Stores.  Nobody shops here. They are actually surprised when they see you. They also stalk you as you’re walking through the aisles. Because I look like the type of person about to steal a whole mess o’ paper clips. Really? I think I still have the box I stole from work 8 years ago. Take that, Staples!

Malls. I’ve only got 2 words for you: Stroller Patrol. They are locked into a heated gangwar with the Mall Walkers for turf. You can spot the Stroller crowd by their Starbucks while Walkers pack rolled up newspapers. I almost got caught in the middle of a scuffle in front of Sbarro’s. I was scared shitless…but it did smell delicious. From what I can gather, everything from Steve’s Apple Store to the Neiman’s is Stroller territory, if you venture to the end with the Vitamin Store and that weird embroidery shop, then you’re in Walker-ville. I am pretty sure the food court is up for grabs. Don’t be fooled by their Shape-up footwear or the Kenneth Cole blinged out strollers…..

They. Will. Cut. You.  

I know, I know. TV isn’t real. But sometimes I think they are just phoning it in with their set ups. I also know that we’re not a tough crowd to reach – that would explain why the NEWS is still on. A friend of mine “accidently” watched it yesterday… I wasn’t even sure that the news was still out there. Doesn’t everyone get their late-breaking shit from the interwebs? The only “News” I would be interested in watching would feature Huey Lewis, who possibly was in DieHard. But that’s not the point, the point is that there are some things that totally wouldn’t fly in the real world – which is why I don’t watch regular TV, if it ain’t on cable, then I ain’t watching it.

People randomly walking in to your apartment and eating your food. In the real world, that is called “home invasion” and in some states, they can legally shoot you for that. Granted, if someone rolled in and started eating some of my unfrosted Blueberry PopTarts or banana oatmeal, they better be fast on their feet, because I will THROW DOWN.

Everyone is hot, but no one is dating. Seriously? Even the dorks are good looking. Now, I’m not saying dorks can’t be goodlooking and/or innately cool – I’m just saying that if all it took was some Axe Body Spray and a trip to Abercrombie and Fitch…then we’re on to something as a society and Cosmo or Maxim should totally make a quiz about this. But lest we forget, none of them are dating each other – even though they’re single! What is this madness?

Everyone meets cute. They bump into potential flings in elevators or by jumping into the same cab in the rain, or by starting out hating each other, but secretly longing for each other. OMFG. I think I just described the plot to every Romantic Comedy EVER MADE. Real people meet through their friends (which further supports my theory above). Or they meet at work. That’s totally not taboo anymore. Unless you accidently grope the wrong person in the elevator.

Not that that’s happened to me. Seriously. No. This is totally based on a story I heard from a friend.

And finally, they all have apartments in cool cities that they can’t possibly afford. Really? You wait tables and you got 1200 square feet overlooking the park? That’s the one that gets me. Because I know my first apartment was a shithole. Everyone’s first apartment is a shithole. That’s why it’s your FIRST apartment. You gotta be knee-deep in paper-thin walls, surrounded by fucked up neighbors, and the occasional gunshot at 3am to know that you need a good job to get a decent place. That’s way more enticement than the high school guidance counselor gave you. I think they gave me a pamphlet. Way to go the extra mile.

Granted, I tend to watch shows that feature zombies, vampires and serial killers. Talk about not being grounded in reality.

But at least they all have jobs. Good ones.

And good apartments.