No, dudes, I am not advocating speeding…much. Just the idea that sometimes I see “rules” that I’m pretty sure people have just made up. Like those little stop signs in the mall parking lot. I mean, come on, those aren’t even regulation size. I can’t be expected to take that seriously. What are they going to do? Chase me with one of those golf carts? At least THAT’S regulation size.

I think all the cartoons that we watched as children were created by people on LSD. Seriously, stay with me on this one. With all these cartoons making a comeback on the big screen, let’s do some soul-searching here. Small blue creatures that are being harassed by a wizard that wants to turn them into gold? Smurfs blow my mind.

It all comes back to ponies. Son of a bitch, I wish I had a pony.

Not like Krypton superpowers, but “useful” superpowers. Because how many times do you need to have lasers shoot out of your eyes. Okay, bad first example, because that IS really cool. But you have to admit that some superpowers are really not that cool. Like those stupid WonderTwins, one turned into animals and one turned into things shaped from water. Zan, form of a bucket of water. Jayna, form of a camel. And don’t even get me started on their pet space monkey, Gleek. I think Gleek’s special power was being able to make that bucket of water disappear and then magically….reappear.

At least he was housetrained.

Seriously, let me explain my superpower awesomeness:

The ability to know which lane is the slowest in traffic…and merge into that lane. Yes. I know. You’re jealous. But don’t worry – you, too, can have this skill. First, find some traffic. Second, start driving and look for these key signs that the lane is about drop 10 miles per hour: people texting while driving, geriatric drivers heading for a Luby’s early-bird-special, and my favorite, people who have to look at their passengers when driving. Why do people do this? This is just retarded. Your passenger knows what you look like, and you’re separated by mere feet in a practically soundproof chamber. Just drive. You can talk, they’ll still hear you, dumbass.

The ability to order awesomely at restaurants. Oh, this is an incredibly useful superpower, I can scan a menu and know exactly what will taste good at that moment. I used to think this was because I always ordered things with bacon – but then I realized “no, this IS a superpower” and then I just learned to live with my greatness. This superpower is coupled with the ability to remember where I ate delicious food. If you need to know where to get snowcones, brick oven pizza and bacon jam (yes, this magic exists)…just call me, I’ll blow your mind with places to go.

The ability to remember useless trivia. I have mentioned this before – if you are on a game show – make me your “phone a friend” … and then prepare for the money to roll the fuck in. Unless it’s geography – while I can tell you where food is, I cannot tell you what direction I am facing.

That’s my kryptonite. Well, that and camping. I freakin’ hate camping.

Everyone wanted a pony when they were little. Not that I’m complaining. But I’m complaining. Mr. J had a pony. And not just any pony…but a miniature pony. That’s like the cutest kind of pony you can have – one that’s the size of a Labrador. Granted, it was really his mom’s pony, but still… there was a pony. Our conversations go like this:

Me: “It would have been cool to have a pony.”

Mr. J: “I had a pony.”

Me:  “Shut your pie hole.”

Side note: Other than the pony thing, Mr J is awesome.

Anyway, I think most kids wanted to have a pony when they’re growing up. Like we were all going to be the Lone Ranger or She-Ra or something. Okay, I know some guys that still want to be She-Ra…and actually, they can pull that shit off…. You’d think the glitter would be overkill, but it’s actually pretty understated. What? Oh yeah. Ponies.

Ponies are probably not as cool as you would think, and I’ve given this some thought:

1. Feeding the pony – Unlike the Tina, the llama, in Napolean Dynamite….you cannot feed it ham or chicken enchiladas. Well you could, but then that leads to #2…..literally.

2. Cleaning up after the pony. Let’s not get into specifics here. Because we all have to eat lunch today and I hate having to take chili off the table for any reason. Let’s just say, Saint Bernard times 1000. Your pooper scooper may actually disintegrate on you.

3. People will want to breed your pony with their pony. It’s the “Pony Circle of Life.” Mr J told me a story that has scarred me – it involved a makeshift ramp and a really long glove. I’ve seen this type of thing on Mike Rowe’s Dirty Jobs (you already know this, because I watch way too much television)…and trust me, the miracle of life is so heinous, it will change you forever. As in, you will remember the time BEFORE you saw it (and long for that awesome innocence)…and there will be the time AFTER you saw it….and, friends, you cannot UNSEE that.

I’m sure there are many more reasons why ponies would be a hassle that I’m leaving out – mostly because I’m too lazy to think about it anymore…and I think Hoarders is about to start.

But all that aside, you’d be able to say “I had a pony.”

Shut your piehole, Mr J.

That pretty much sums it up. I apparently do not choose the popular foods that make it – like Go-Gurt (still trying to figure that out) and Nutella (how is that STILL on the shelf?). Kind of like when you start watching a show, but you know that no one else is watching it – and then it gets canceled and now you’ll never have closure on key plot points? Yeah. I never get food closure.

Stuff with bananas. Bananas are quite possibly the most amazing food in the world. In. The. World. Monkeys were definitely onto something when they figured out that you could peel that yellow boomerang and deliciousness would follow. But that’s for another post about how cool monkeys are when they aren’t ripping your face off. Every time I’m in the grocery store, I see that those food scientists (I’m pretty sure that’s a job) have figured out another way to harness the pure awesomeness of bananas. Banana oatmeal, banana cakes, banana popsicles, banana yogurt. It’s a freakin’ banana lovefest. My cart over flow-eth. But next time I go back, it’s not there.

Those bastards.

Unfrosted Blueberry PopTarts. Granted, I know that PopTarts are diabetes-in-a-box…but sometimes I jones for them like a junkie joneses for a fix. But they don’t sell these at ALL the stores. Mr J usually does me a solid and brings a few from the one store I know carries them, but we don’t really shop there regularly because the store has a weird smell– of Lysol and beets. I know you’re with me about the weird smell thing. PopTarts may be trying to kill us – they load that shit up with a crackly frosting that’s bound to melt the enamel right off your teeth, but the UNfrosted kind is just pure magic. I did see a commercial for PopTarts where they recommended making an ice cream sammich using 2 PopTarts with an ice cream filling. WTF? That’s not Sparta, that’s just madness.

Fried Apple Pies at McDonald’s. Okay, Okay, I get it. Fried is a bad word. Which explains why they keep pushing us to call it KFC, not Kentucky Fried Chicken.  I don’t think that’s what the Colonel would have wanted. Of course, he’s dead….probably from clogged arteries from delicious chicken. Mmm. Chicken.  But we’re talking about pies here. McDonald’s got all big-brother on us and switched to “baked” pies.

Those bastards. Like they think we wouldn’t notice.

Baked pies?! Really, McDonald’s? I mean, come on….baked? Really? Nuked pies, I’ll give you…but baked is totally pushing it. Semantics aside, how I miss those pockets of  fried hot apple fire. Luckily, I travel a bit overseas, and those McDonald’s STILL make those unbelievably delicious pies.

Also, I found out that I can get a hot banana pie there. 

There are too many jokes in the last statement…enjoy.

Don’t get me wrong. I love the option of getting in my car with no shoes on in my ratty clothes and picking up a prescription without getting out of my car. Not that I do that. Much. But there are some drive-thru experiences that rival the 4th ring of Dante’s Hell- it was THISCLOSE to being the 3rd, but Walmart is the gift that just keeps on giving.

Actually, I should just be blaming the people IN the drive-thru line for being douches.

Get your money and go. Seriously. At the drive up ATM there are only 5 choice -and one of those is getting stamps – so that doesn’t count. Put your card in and then take the money out. It’s so easy … why are you making this so hard? And now there’s another car behind me…we’re all just trapped here while try to remember if your PIN is your cat’s birthday.

And for the record, if it IS your cat’s birthday….that is just fucking sad.

Picking up your meds should be easy and fast. I don’t know about you, but I always wait until the last possible second before reordering. So I am usually down to the wire on getting my ‘scripts. And you never want to be one pill away from growing that third nipple (again). Nor do you want to be waiting for freaking-ever at the CVS. If you got some chatting to do, take your butt INSIDE. Do not engage your pharmacist in some long drawn out conversation about the adverse effects of Alli (bright orange anal leakage, anyone?) while you’re chilling in your Camry. Drug deals are meant to be quick and dirty. Let’s keep them that way.

Speaking of fast, I think Starbucks just called out my drink, one Mocha Latte for a “Charmin”. Hey, it’s squeezable soft, I can roll with that. 

That phrase sucks. Because one, it IS the heat. And two, if it’s surface-of-the-sun kind of hot, who gives a shit about the humidity? That’s like slapping me twice. I got it the first time. Must be one of those phrases that people say but don’t really think about what it means. Kind of like “It’s not you, it’s me.”

Oh I disagree. It’s definitely you.

There are a couple of phrases that we hear ALL the time that you don’t really think about when you say it – kind of like conversation filler. We all gotta fill the void. To quote Marselles Wallace’s wife from “Pulp Fiction”…”that’s when you really know you’re comfortable with someone…when you can shut the hell up and enjoy the silence.”

Speaking of filler phrases, here are some real gems:

“We should get together soon.” Okay, to be fair sometimes you actually mean this. But for the most part, it just comes out and now you’ve got this monologue running through your head: “I don’t actually want to hang out. Why would I have said that? Now they’re going to think I want us to get together. Jesus! What if they actually invite us out? Okay, we can say that your mother died and we can’t go? What? We used that last time? Crap. Do they know your mother? Maybe they won’t remember that she died. By the way, isn’t your mother’s birthday tomorrow? We should call her”

“At least you have your health.” As opposed to what, not having your health? And who are saying this to? Someone who just totaled their car? Because at that point, I don’t know about you, but I’m still pretty pissed about the car.

“Shit fire and save matches.” I heard this a few times. And I got to say is: What. The. Fuck. I mean, seriously? Isn’t there a cream for that? And if I can shit fire, the last thing I’m thinking about is how many matches this is going to save. I’m thinking maybe I should go to the doctor? Or at least consult a carnival.

“It could be worse.” Again. Worse than what? I guess it could be worse if I don’t have my health.

Damn it. Now I’m doing it.

And now you are, too. I know we all bitch and complain about things becoming obsolete so quickly. I just bought an iPad last year and they already have a new one out. Sons of Bitches! Steve Jobs and I have a love-hate relationship. Though I think it’s only one-sided – because he totally didn’t send me anything on Valentine’s Day. Unless you count that Restraining Order….which I do.

What I am amazed by is things that haven’t changed, for example:

My DryCleaner. Every time I go in there, same thing happens – I gaze uncontrollable at the clothes-carousel-of-fun. How does he know EXACTLY when to stop to get to my clothes? That technology hasn’t changed – he just holds down the button and then boom – there’s my stuff. That dude totally needs to go on Wheel of Fortune. Ah…. Wheel of Fortune. Remember when you got to shop the showcase with your cash? Once you bought the cruise and the furniture, you’re pretty much struggling to get that last bit spent….”Pat, I’ll take the sculpture in the shape of the dog reading a magazines, the board games, and the lamp with the candy dispenser shaped like a locomotive.” What kind of crazy ass sponsors were they getting?!

Calendars. Okay, let me preface this by saying I’m not one of those people who buys one of those funny animal calendars. You know the ones, with the monkey hanging on tree holding a banana wearing a shirt that says “Hang Loose”. First of all, how did they get that monkey to wear a shirt? Second, that monkey doesn’t look like a surfer, so why is he telling me to “Hang Loose?” These are questions I’ll need to think about for later. Anyway, back to calendars. Every year, there’s a kiosk in the mall just filled with calendars. Who is buying these? Isn’t everything digital now?

Perfume Ninjas. You know who I’m talking about. Those crafty people who sidle up next to you at a fine department store and try to hand you slip of paper doused with Eau de 15-minute-Celebrity. At least they aren’t trying to spritz you anymore. In the past, if you weren’t watching, they’d sneak up next to you and then spritz you on the arm or the neck. Great. Now you’re involuntarily reeking of Britney Spears…along with an uncontrollable urge to get a bag of Cheetos and a Frappachino.

It just bakes my noodle that on one hand I can turn the lights on/off for my house from my iPad, yet I still see people taking film to be developed at the pharmacy. Okay. Bad example. That could possibly be considered “art” (thought most likely just some 80-year-old’s cruise pics….where do they get those giant shrimp for the cocktails?).  But still, you guys have to admit, some industries are totally flying under the radar in the innovation department.

Strangely, I have a hankering for Cheetos and Starbucks. Damn you Perfume Ninjas. If only Steve Jobs could find a way to combine his technology products with puffed cheese snacks – I’m sure he’s already working on it..

You complete me, Steve. You complete me.