Summer Colds Make No Sense.

You know what I’m talking about. It’s freaking hot as an oven outside and I’m in here sniffling and headache-y. That’s lame on so many levels. One, because I hate being sick. It’s like having a day off but then being a waste of space so you can’t even enjoy it. Two, the phrase “summer cold” is kind of retarded. Colds are for the winter, when we’re already miserable. Not for the summer, when we’re supposed to be living some sort of Corona-soaked beach dream complete with perfectly cut limes. Not Sudafed Sinus. Which go down smooth with Coronas. I know this for a fact. 

This makes me think of other things that don’t make sense when you say them out loud. Like fat-free butter. What is butter if not fat? This isn’t Russia. Give us real butter! I can’t image what they are replacing real butter with. Probably something that is going to make me grow a third nipple. Now if it was a third arm, that would be cool. I could use that. You know to open doors and slap children….at the same time. But just a third nipple doesn’t really help me much. Not even in the porn industry. They have a higher shock-value threshold. To them, nipples are like toes. Nothing really shocking there.

What the hell am I talking about?

Oh yeah.

I also think that dry cleaning should just be renamed “super expensive magical cleaning.” Because, honestly, how do you clean something without WATER? What are they doing back there, rubbing two sticks together on my fine linens? WTF? Whatever voodoo magic that goes on back there apparently costs 89cents a shirt… amazing how cheap magic is these days.

Harry Potter can suck it.

But seriously, the momma-jomma for me would be “pay per view” TV. Okay, so TV is not free as it is. Which is a damn fine shame because that magic box is pure joy. But having to “pay” on top of my monthly fee to see an MMA Cage match or Gaga Live at the Garden?  Okay, I would do none of those things. Why not, you ask? Well, I’m not cool like that. That awesomeness is reserved for hipsters.  I’m of the wait-til-it’s-on-heavy-rotation-for-free in a few months kind of girl. So the thought of paying extra now just to see if for regular price in a month is fucked up.

Plus , there are a ton of things on DirecTV that I already paid to watch, like this Discovery special on people with extra body parts…. Bonus points if they show BOTH extra arms and nipples.

The porn industry would have a field day with that combo.

Speed Limits are Suggestions, Right?

No, dudes, I am not advocating speeding…much. Just the idea that sometimes I see “rules” that I’m pretty sure people have just made up. Like those little stop signs in the mall parking lot. I mean, come on, those aren’t even regulation size. I can’t be expected to take that seriously. What are they going to do? Chase me with one of those golf carts? At least THAT’S regulation size.

Why don’t they let you use the bathroom 30 minutes before landing? Because now that you’ve said it….I totally have to go now. 5 minutes ago … NOTHING. But as soon as that light goes one….it’s on like DonkeyKong and then I can’t think about anything else. I think they should do a fake-out announcement, [psyche!] then let you go to the bathroom, and a few minutes later, turn on the real light. That little gem of advice is free, FAA…unlike my first checked-bag.

OH and don’t even get me started on why you can’t bring your own candy to the movie theatre. And no, it’s not because it costs $15 to buy SourPatch Kids…it’s because they never have the candy that I want right then. Maybe I’m in the mood for a PayDay? Why? Because those are freakin’ delicious, that’s why. And I deserve a break. Oh wait. That’s for when I want a KitKat. Shit. What’s the PayDay slogan?

Great. This is going to bug me. All. Freaking. Day.

And then there’s my dry cleaner. You all know that I’m amazed by their whirling carousel of clothes. What is that crazy magic? But that still doesn’t explain why they make me pay in advance for one-day service. I’m already having to drop it off by 8am. Are they thinking that I purposely got up early to drop off that shit just to stiff ’em with the bill later? Apparently they underestimate my laziness when it comes to martinizing.

Speaking of laziness, what happened to all those “no-shirt, no-shoes, no-service” signs. Those disappeared around the time those tree-hugging, dirt-munching hippies became beamer drivin’ overfocused yuppies. I, for one, think they should bring those back – but this time, make it “no pajamas” signs. I hate seeing faded flannel at 3 in the afternoon. Unless you are Michael Jackson, you can’t wear pajama pants in public. And let’s face it – he WAS a musical genius but he was ALSO bat-shit crazy.

Because, for the love of Pete, I had to get dressed this morning to drop off my dry cleaning… so should all those lazy asses.

80’s Cartoons: Created by People on LSD?

I think all the cartoons that we watched as children were created by people on LSD. Seriously, stay with me on this one. With all these cartoons making a comeback on the big screen, let’s do some soul-searching here. Small blue creatures that are being harassed by a wizard that wants to turn them into gold? Smurfs blow my mind.

So walk with me friends, as we take a psychedelic step back into time:

Let’s start with the bears:
Gummi Bears: bouncing here and there and everywhere. OH just shoot me now. This was an especially weird one. We got a cartoon based on a delicious sugary snack. That go ape-shit when they drink this special gummi beary juice. And they live in the forest hiding from everyone… wearing clothes from a Renaissance Faire. This totally sounds like a guy I knew in college. Come on, who didn’t know that guy?

Care Bears. Now this is some truly fucked up stuff. It’s like they took every diagnosis from Psychology 101 and put them in fuzzy, cuddly bears … that shoot magic beams from their fuzzy, cuddly bellies. Tell me that isn’t weird? And if I remember correctly, the lived in some sort of cloud city? Not a cool cloud city like the one that Lando was on, well, before he betrayed everyone and then started wearing Han’s clothes. Nerd moment: why was he wearing Han’s clothes? That’s just stalker creepy.

Then there were the GoBots. Which were the poor’s man Transformers. Cars that could morph into robots that wanted to solve crime could be cool, but how did someone think of that? I’m not saying, but I think someone was trippin’ in their car.

Granted, when it was Optimus Prime it was cool. But GoBots were just … lame.

Jem. Let’s face it, she WAS truly outrageous. From her holographic jukebox that could turn the world into a holodeck, to her dumb-ass boyfriend who never realized that she wasn’t two different people. Yeah, I think was the brainchild of whoever invented Ecstacy.

Speaking of freakiness. Who doesn’t remember Rainbow Brite and her crazy striped leggings? I’m still not sure what the cartoon was about, but I think that’s because she had twinkly eyes. And twinkly eyes are just spooky and slightly hypnotic. Couple that with being hopped on Sugar Smacks and chocolate milk….and that’s just a recipe for madness.

I think her show came on right before My Little Pony.

It all comes back to ponies. Son of a bitch, I wish I had a pony.

I Have Superpowers.

Not like Krypton superpowers, but “useful” superpowers. Because how many times do you need to have lasers shoot out of your eyes. Okay, bad first example, because that IS really cool. But you have to admit that some superpowers are really not that cool. Like those stupid WonderTwins, one turned into animals and one turned into things shaped from water. Zan, form of a bucket of water. Jayna, form of a camel. And don’t even get me started on their pet space monkey, Gleek. I think Gleek’s special power was being able to make that bucket of water disappear and then magically….reappear.

At least he was housetrained.

Seriously, let me explain my superpower awesomeness:

The ability to know which lane is the slowest in traffic…and merge into that lane. Yes. I know. You’re jealous. But don’t worry – you, too, can have this skill. First, find some traffic. Second, start driving and look for these key signs that the lane is about drop 10 miles per hour: people texting while driving, geriatric drivers heading for a Luby’s early-bird-special, and my favorite, people who have to look at their passengers when driving. Why do people do this? This is just retarded. Your passenger knows what you look like, and you’re separated by mere feet in a practically soundproof chamber. Just drive. You can talk, they’ll still hear you, dumbass.

The ability to order awesomely at restaurants. Oh, this is an incredibly useful superpower, I can scan a menu and know exactly what will taste good at that moment. I used to think this was because I always ordered things with bacon – but then I realized “no, this IS a superpower” and then I just learned to live with my greatness. This superpower is coupled with the ability to remember where I ate delicious food. If you need to know where to get snowcones, brick oven pizza and bacon jam (yes, this magic exists)…just call me, I’ll blow your mind with places to go.

The ability to remember useless trivia. I have mentioned this before – if you are on a game show – make me your “phone a friend” … and then prepare for the money to roll the fuck in. Unless it’s geography – while I can tell you where food is, I cannot tell you what direction I am facing.

That’s my kryptonite. Well, that and camping. I freakin’ hate camping.

Ponies: I should’ve had one.

Everyone wanted a pony when they were little. Not that I’m complaining. But I’m complaining. Mr. J had a pony. And not just any pony…but a miniature pony. That’s like the cutest kind of pony you can have – one that’s the size of a Labrador. Granted, it was really his mom’s pony, but still… there was a pony. Our conversations go like this:

Me: “It would have been cool to have a pony.”

Mr. J: “I had a pony.”

Me:  “Shut your pie hole.”

Side note: Other than the pony thing, Mr J is awesome.

Anyway, I think most kids wanted to have a pony when they’re growing up. Like we were all going to be the Lone Ranger or She-Ra or something. Okay, I know some guys that still want to be She-Ra…and actually, they can pull that shit off…. You’d think the glitter would be overkill, but it’s actually pretty understated. What? Oh yeah. Ponies.

Ponies are probably not as cool as you would think, and I’ve given this some thought:

1. Feeding the pony – Unlike the Tina, the llama, in Napolean Dynamite….you cannot feed it ham or chicken enchiladas. Well you could, but then that leads to #2…..literally.

2. Cleaning up after the pony. Let’s not get into specifics here. Because we all have to eat lunch today and I hate having to take chili off the table for any reason. Let’s just say, Saint Bernard times 1000. Your pooper scooper may actually disintegrate on you.

3. People will want to breed your pony with their pony. It’s the “Pony Circle of Life.” Mr J told me a story that has scarred me – it involved a makeshift ramp and a really long glove. I’ve seen this type of thing on Mike Rowe’s Dirty Jobs (you already know this, because I watch way too much television)…and trust me, the miracle of life is so heinous, it will change you forever. As in, you will remember the time BEFORE you saw it (and long for that awesome innocence)…and there will be the time AFTER you saw it….and, friends, you cannot UNSEE that.

I’m sure there are many more reasons why ponies would be a hassle that I’m leaving out – mostly because I’m too lazy to think about it anymore…and I think Hoarders is about to start.

But all that aside, you’d be able to say “I had a pony.”

Shut your piehole, Mr J.

Foods I Like Always Get Discontinued

That pretty much sums it up. I apparently do not choose the popular foods that make it – like Go-Gurt (still trying to figure that out) and Nutella (how is that STILL on the shelf?). Kind of like when you start watching a show, but you know that no one else is watching it – and then it gets canceled and now you’ll never have closure on key plot points? Yeah. I never get food closure.

Stuff with bananas. Bananas are quite possibly the most amazing food in the world. In. The. World. Monkeys were definitely onto something when they figured out that you could peel that yellow boomerang and deliciousness would follow. But that’s for another post about how cool monkeys are when they aren’t ripping your face off. Every time I’m in the grocery store, I see that those food scientists (I’m pretty sure that’s a job) have figured out another way to harness the pure awesomeness of bananas. Banana oatmeal, banana cakes, banana popsicles, banana yogurt. It’s a freakin’ banana lovefest. My cart over flow-eth. But next time I go back, it’s not there.

Those bastards.

Unfrosted Blueberry PopTarts. Granted, I know that PopTarts are diabetes-in-a-box…but sometimes I jones for them like a junkie joneses for a fix. But they don’t sell these at ALL the stores. Mr J usually does me a solid and brings a few from the one store I know carries them, but we don’t really shop there regularly because the store has a weird smell– of Lysol and beets. I know you’re with me about the weird smell thing. PopTarts may be trying to kill us – they load that shit up with a crackly frosting that’s bound to melt the enamel right off your teeth, but the UNfrosted kind is just pure magic. I did see a commercial for PopTarts where they recommended making an ice cream sammich using 2 PopTarts with an ice cream filling. WTF? That’s not Sparta, that’s just madness.

Fried Apple Pies at McDonald’s. Okay, Okay, I get it. Fried is a bad word. Which explains why they keep pushing us to call it KFC, not Kentucky Fried Chicken.  I don’t think that’s what the Colonel would have wanted. Of course, he’s dead….probably from clogged arteries from delicious chicken. Mmm. Chicken.  But we’re talking about pies here. McDonald’s got all big-brother on us and switched to “baked” pies.

Those bastards. Like they think we wouldn’t notice.

Baked pies?! Really, McDonald’s? I mean, come on….baked? Really? Nuked pies, I’ll give you…but baked is totally pushing it. Semantics aside, how I miss those pockets of  fried hot apple fire. Luckily, I travel a bit overseas, and those McDonald’s STILL make those unbelievably delicious pies.

Also, I found out that I can get a hot banana pie there. 

There are too many jokes in the last statement…enjoy.

Drive Thrus are Portals to Hell

Don’t get me wrong. I love the option of getting in my car with no shoes on in my ratty clothes and picking up a prescription without getting out of my car. Not that I do that. Much. But there are some drive-thru experiences that rival the 4th ring of Dante’s Hell- it was THISCLOSE to being the 3rd, but Walmart is the gift that just keeps on giving.

Granted, there times when the drive thru is awesome. Like when you’re jonesing for some Starbucks and you haven’t showered yet. Sure Starbucks never spells my name right, but they really have their drive-thru routine down. But given their very forgiving clientele and fast service – it’s actually faster to go in no matter what you’re sporting.

Actually, I should just be blaming the people IN the drive-thru line for being douches.

Do NOT make 5 separate orders in at Taco Bell. I don’t care if you’re picking up the lunch order for your co-workers and everyone wants something “special.” At that point, you just need to park it and cruise on in there– don’t confuse the guy on the headset, he’s wired for speed not crazy. Plus, this is Taco Bell, you can feed a family of 5 for $8…I think you can put it all on one ticket.

Get your money and go. Seriously. At the drive up ATM there are only 5 choice -and one of those is getting stamps – so that doesn’t count. Put your card in and then take the money out. It’s so easy … why are you making this so hard? And now there’s another car behind me…we’re all just trapped here while try to remember if your PIN is your cat’s birthday.

And for the record, if it IS your cat’s birthday….that is just fucking sad.

Picking up your meds should be easy and fast. I don’t know about you, but I always wait until the last possible second before reordering. So I am usually down to the wire
on getting my ‘scripts. And you never want to be one pill away from growing that third nipple (again). Nor do you want to be waiting for freaking-ever at the CVS. If you got some chatting to do, take your butt INSIDE. Do not engage your pharmacist in some long drawn out conversation about the adverse effects of Alli (bright orange anal leakage, anyone?) while you’re chilling in your Camry. Drug deals are meant to be quick and dirty. Let’s keep them that way.

Speaking of fast, I think Starbucks just called out my drink, one Mocha Latte for a “Charmin”. Hey, it’s squeezable soft, I can roll with that. 

It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity.

That phrase sucks. Because one, it IS the heat. And two, if it’s surface-of-the-sun kind of hot, who gives a shit about the humidity? That’s like slapping me twice. I got it the first time. Must be one of those phrases that people say but don’t really think about what it means. Kind of like “It’s not you, it’s me.”

Oh I disagree. It’s definitely you.

There are a couple of phrases that we hear ALL the time that you don’t really think about when you say it – kind of like conversation filler. We all gotta fill the void. To quote Marselles Wallace’s wife from “Pulp Fiction”…”that’s when you really know you’re comfortable with someone…when you can shut the hell up and enjoy the silence.”

Speaking of filler phrases, here are some real gems:

“We should get together soon.” Okay, to be fair sometimes you actually mean this. But for the most part, it just comes out and now you’ve got this monologue running through your head: “I don’t actually want to hang out. Why would I have said that? Now they’re going to think I want us to get together. Jesus! What if they actually invite us out? Okay, we can say that your mother died and we can’t go? What? We used that last time? Crap. Do they know your mother? Maybe they won’t remember that she died. By the way, isn’t your mother’s birthday tomorrow? We should call her”

“At least you have your health.” As opposed to what, not having your health? And who are saying this to? Someone who just totaled their car? Because at that point, I don’t know about you, but I’m still pretty pissed about the car.

“Shit fire and save matches.” I heard this a few times. And I got to say is: What. The. Fuck. I mean, seriously? Isn’t there a cream for that? And if I can shit fire, the last thing I’m thinking about is how many matches this is going to save. I’m thinking maybe I should go to the doctor? Or at least consult a carnival.

“It could be worse.” Again. Worse than what? I guess it could be worse if I don’t have my health.

Damn it. Now I’m doing it.

Make Traveling Less Sucky

Don’t be THAT traveler this year on vacation

Oh we all know what I’m talking about. Vacation season is in full swing and as much as we all like to get away, we know that to get to “relaxing and fun” there is a whole lotta “WTF is she stuffing in the overhead bin” with a side of “oh no you didn’t just try to line jump the taxi line.” 


You know who you are. You’re the one that no one wants to sit next to.


Let’s talk about the crazy shit that people use as “luggage.” I put that in quotes because I know for a fact that you can actually BUY luggage at many stores so I don’t know why people have to CREATE luggage. I’m talking to you, Mrs. Cardboard-tied-with-string, and you,  Mr. Fiberglass cooler secured with duct tape. Unlike the Sound of Music, these are not a few of my favorite things.


As a side note, I was traveling to Denver once and happened to glance out the window while the plane filled up and I see one of those airline luggage transporters take a corner just a little too fast and someone’s luggage just hopped right off and was sitting on the tarmac. 

For at least 10 minutes.


Finally a baggage handler drove by, glanced at it and then picked it up. See actual luggage photo so you people know that I’m speaking bibles of truth.


Oh yeah, someone is going to waiting at a baggage carousel for a friend that ain’t coming on down. Let’s hope they packed some undies in their monstrously oversized carry-on. Don’t EVEN get me started on that hot mess.


Layovers. Sure, it seems like a good idea when you’re pajama-surfing airline deals at 11:04pm at night. You’re thinking, “I’m saving at least $50 but stopping over in Albuquerque!” but keep in mind that you may be staying OVER in Albuquerque if there is even a WHIFF of storm in the sky. So make your layovers in cities you like or just go direct.

Actually, just go direct.


Rental cars are like first dates. They show up all shiny and clean. There’s that moment of anticipation and the thrill of the unknown. Then you realize you’re in a compact with auto-nothing….and it smells faintly of fake-vanilla and plastic bag (which is think is how some reality stars must smell…see also Eau de 15-minute).

Trust me. Underneath that Enterprise brown wrapping is NOT a screaming sports car.

I’ve had some hum-dingers in my past: there was the Ford Focus that had a tendency to roll back about 3 feet if you were on an incline and took your foot off the break for just a second which is awesome in San Francisco. Then there was the Jeep with the protective rollbar RIGHT at headlevel so every time you got in the damn thing you practically concussed yourself.  And my favorite was the Ford Escape that keep locking and unlocking the doors randomly when I was driving down the highway  – I was waiting for it to open the door and actually eject me from the vehicle.


Seriously, vacations are fun….when you GET there.  It’s the “getting there” part that we all need to work on.

And while we’re at it, please tell your kid to stop kicking my seat. No, I don’t want you to eat that stinky tuna sandwich on the plane. And if you jump in front of me again in line….I’ll cut you. I don’t care if you’re a nun on the way to a soup kitchen…the line starts back there, lady.

Yeah, Keep walking.


2 things I’m thinking of: Perfume Ninjas and iPads

And now you are, too. I know we all bitch and complain about things becoming obsolete so quickly. I just bought an iPad last year and they already have a new one out. Sons of Bitches! Steve Jobs and I have a love-hate relationship. Though I think it’s only one-sided – because he totally didn’t send me anything on Valentine’s Day. Unless you count that Restraining Order….which I do.

What I am amazed by is things that haven’t changed, for example:

My DryCleaner. Every time I go in there, same thing happens – I gaze uncontrollable at the clothes-carousel-of-fun. How does he know EXACTLY when to stop to get to my clothes? That technology hasn’t changed – he just holds down the button and then boom – there’s my stuff. That dude totally needs to go on Wheel of Fortune. Ah…. Wheel of Fortune. Remember when you got to shop the showcase with your cash? Once you bought the cruise and the furniture, you’re pretty much struggling to get that last bit spent….”Pat, I’ll take the sculpture in the shape of the dog reading a magazines, the board games, and the lamp with the candy dispenser shaped like a locomotive.” What kind of crazy ass sponsors were they getting?!

Calendars. Okay, let me preface this by saying I’m not one of those people who buys one of those funny animal calendars. You know the ones, with the monkey hanging on tree holding a banana wearing a shirt that says “Hang Loose”. First of all, how did they get that monkey to wear a shirt? Second, that monkey doesn’t look like a surfer, so why is he telling me to “Hang Loose?” These are questions I’ll need to think about for later. Anyway, back to calendars. Every year, there’s a kiosk in the mall just filled with calendars. Who is buying these? Isn’t everything digital now?

Perfume Ninjas. You know who I’m talking about. Those crafty people who sidle up next to you at a fine department store and try to hand you slip of paper doused with Eau de 15-minute-Celebrity. At least they aren’t trying to spritz you anymore. In the past, if you weren’t watching, they’d sneak up next to you and then spritz you on the arm or the neck. Great. Now you’re involuntarily reeking of Britney Spears…along with an uncontrollable urge to get a bag of Cheetos and a Frappachino.

It just bakes my noodle that on one hand I can turn the lights on/off for my house from my iPad, yet I still see people taking film to be developed at the pharmacy. Okay. Bad example. That could possibly be considered “art” (thought most likely just some 80-year-old’s cruise pics….where do they get those giant shrimp for the cocktails?).  But still, you guys have to admit, some industries are totally flying under the radar in the innovation department.

Strangely, I have a hankering for Cheetos and Starbucks. Damn you Perfume Ninjas. If only Steve Jobs could find a way to combine his technology products with puffed cheese snacks – I’m sure he’s already working on it..

You complete me, Steve. You complete me.