Why Are Holiday Desserts So Freaky?

Let’s not confuse this with my love of eating. The jury is still out with me on Velveeta – should this be considered a “cheese”… a cheese that doesn’t need to be refrigerated and has a shelf life of 30 years. Okay, maybe I should reclassify it as “cheese-like.”  I’m talking about the crazy dessert food you see at the holidays. You know what I’m talking about … creatures made of marshmellows, cookies stuffed with god-knows-what and decorated to look like toy soldier snowmen, and bizarre jelly creations. Weird? Sure. Did I eat some anyway. Oh yeah.

Don’t judge…I can feel your look.

Let’s not digress from the important point here – when food ceases to look like food…well, let’s just say “Houston, we have a problem”…. a delicious, delicious problem. Who doesn’t love a good cookie? I think Martha Stewart unleased a strange desire to franken-freakin-stein everything in your pantry to create a monstrocity for your nearest and dearest.

Now that it’s the holiday season, this army of crazy confections are running buck wild at house parties, office parties and showing up in cookie tins all over time. It’s madness, I tell you. Sugary madness.  It’s starts around Halloween – where they suck you in with regular candy. Then Thanksgiving pushes the envelope a little more with the freaky ass jello mold. And before you know, you’re jonesing for the a fix from the neighbor that bakes the pretzels covered in fudge, rolled in candy, dipped in white chocolate, and sprinkled with mini-M&Ms.

Then right when you finally get a fairly decent 24-hour sugar buzz going….the cold hard truth of January bitch slaps you. Gone are the plates of cookies decorated to look like all Santa’s reindeer and spiked hot chocolate….replaced with stale-ass donuts and burnt coffee. Granted, Santa’s reindeer looked like a hot mess… colored sugar all gunked up and those sugar plums looked like sad, sad jujubees. Did I eat some anyway. Oh yeah.

Yes. I know. And I can STILL feel your look.

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