It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity.

That phrase sucks. Because one, it IS the heat. And two, if it’s surface-of-the-sun kind of hot, who gives a shit about the humidity? That’s like slapping me twice. I got it the first time. Must be one of those phrases that people say but don’t really think about what it means. Kind of like “It’s not you, it’s me.”

Oh I disagree. It’s definitely you.

There are a couple of phrases that we hear ALL the time that you don’t really think about when you say it – kind of like conversation filler. We all gotta fill the void. To quote Marselles Wallace’s wife from “Pulp Fiction”…”that’s when you really know you’re comfortable with someone…when you can shut the hell up and enjoy the silence.”

Speaking of filler phrases, here are some real gems:

“We should get together soon.” Okay, to be fair sometimes you actually mean this. But for the most part, it just comes out and now you’ve got this monologue running through your head: “I don’t actually want to hang out. Why would I have said that? Now they’re going to think I want us to get together. Jesus! What if they actually invite us out? Okay, we can say that your mother died and we can’t go? What? We used that last time? Crap. Do they know your mother? Maybe they won’t remember that she died. By the way, isn’t your mother’s birthday tomorrow? We should call her”

“At least you have your health.” As opposed to what, not having your health? And who are saying this to? Someone who just totaled their car? Because at that point, I don’t know about you, but I’m still pretty pissed about the car.

“Shit fire and save matches.” I heard this a few times. And I got to say is: What. The. Fuck. I mean, seriously? Isn’t there a cream for that? And if I can shit fire, the last thing I’m thinking about is how many matches this is going to save. I’m thinking maybe I should go to the doctor? Or at least consult a carnival.

“It could be worse.” Again. Worse than what? I guess it could be worse if I don’t have my health.

Damn it. Now I’m doing it.

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