Ponies: I should’ve had one.

Everyone wanted a pony when they were little. Not that I’m complaining. But I’m complaining. Mr. J had a pony. And not just any pony…but a miniature pony. That’s like the cutest kind of pony you can have – one that’s the size of a Labrador. Granted, it was really his mom’s pony, but still… there was a pony. Our conversations go like this:

Me: “It would have been cool to have a pony.”

Mr. J: “I had a pony.”

Me:  “Shut your pie hole.”

Side note: Other than the pony thing, Mr J is awesome.

Anyway, I think most kids wanted to have a pony when they’re growing up. Like we were all going to be the Lone Ranger or She-Ra or something. Okay, I know some guys that still want to be She-Ra…and actually, they can pull that shit off…. You’d think the glitter would be overkill, but it’s actually pretty understated. What? Oh yeah. Ponies.

Ponies are probably not as cool as you would think, and I’ve given this some thought:

1. Feeding the pony – Unlike the Tina, the llama, in Napolean Dynamite….you cannot feed it ham or chicken enchiladas. Well you could, but then that leads to #2…..literally.

2. Cleaning up after the pony. Let’s not get into specifics here. Because we all have to eat lunch today and I hate having to take chili off the table for any reason. Let’s just say, Saint Bernard times 1000. Your pooper scooper may actually disintegrate on you.

3. People will want to breed your pony with their pony. It’s the “Pony Circle of Life.” Mr J told me a story that has scarred me – it involved a makeshift ramp and a really long glove. I’ve seen this type of thing on Mike Rowe’s Dirty Jobs (you already know this, because I watch way too much television)…and trust me, the miracle of life is so heinous, it will change you forever. As in, you will remember the time BEFORE you saw it (and long for that awesome innocence)…and there will be the time AFTER you saw it….and, friends, you cannot UNSEE that.

I’m sure there are many more reasons why ponies would be a hassle that I’m leaving out – mostly because I’m too lazy to think about it anymore…and I think Hoarders is about to start.

But all that aside, you’d be able to say “I had a pony.”

Shut your piehole, Mr J.

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