I Have Superpowers.

Not like Krypton superpowers, but “useful” superpowers. Because how many times do you need to have lasers shoot out of your eyes. Okay, bad first example, because that IS really cool. But you have to admit that some superpowers are really not that cool. Like those stupid WonderTwins, one turned into animals and one turned into things shaped from water. Zan, form of a bucket of water. Jayna, form of a camel. And don’t even get me started on their pet space monkey, Gleek. I think Gleek’s special power was being able to make that bucket of water disappear and then magically….reappear.

At least he was housetrained.

Seriously, let me explain my superpower awesomeness:

The ability to know which lane is the slowest in traffic…and merge into that lane. Yes. I know. You’re jealous. But don’t worry – you, too, can have this skill. First, find some traffic. Second, start driving and look for these key signs that the lane is about drop 10 miles per hour: people texting while driving, geriatric drivers heading for a Luby’s early-bird-special, and my favorite, people who have to look at their passengers when driving. Why do people do this? This is just retarded. Your passenger knows what you look like, and you’re separated by mere feet in a practically soundproof chamber. Just drive. You can talk, they’ll still hear you, dumbass.

The ability to order awesomely at restaurants. Oh, this is an incredibly useful superpower, I can scan a menu and know exactly what will taste good at that moment. I used to think this was because I always ordered things with bacon – but then I realized “no, this IS a superpower” and then I just learned to live with my greatness. This superpower is coupled with the ability to remember where I ate delicious food. If you need to know where to get snowcones, brick oven pizza and bacon jam (yes, this magic exists)…just call me, I’ll blow your mind with places to go.

The ability to remember useless trivia. I have mentioned this before – if you are on a game show – make me your “phone a friend” … and then prepare for the money to roll the fuck in. Unless it’s geography – while I can tell you where food is, I cannot tell you what direction I am facing.

That’s my kryptonite. Well, that and camping. I freakin’ hate camping.

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