I think all the cartoons that we watched as children were created by people on LSD. Seriously, stay with me on this one. With all these cartoons making a comeback on the big screen, let’s do some soul-searching here. Small blue creatures that are being harassed by a wizard that wants to turn them into gold? Smurfs blow my mind.
So walk with me friends, as we take a psychedelic step back into time:
Let’s start with the bears:
Gummi Bears: bouncing here and there and everywhere. OH just shoot me now. This was an especially weird one. We got a cartoon based on a delicious sugary snack. That go ape-shit when they drink this special gummi beary juice. And they live in the forest hiding from everyone… wearing clothes from a Renaissance Faire. This totally sounds like a guy I knew in college. Come on, who didn’t know that guy?
Care Bears. Now this is some truly fucked up stuff. It’s like they took every diagnosis from Psychology 101 and put them in fuzzy, cuddly bears … that shoot magic beams from their fuzzy, cuddly bellies. Tell me that isn’t weird? And if I remember correctly, the lived in some sort of cloud city? Not a cool cloud city like the one that Lando was on, well, before he betrayed everyone and then started wearing Han’s clothes. Nerd moment: why was he wearing Han’s clothes? That’s just stalker creepy.
Then there were the GoBots. Which were the poor’s man Transformers. Cars that could morph into robots that wanted to solve crime could be cool, but how did someone think of that? I’m not saying, but I think someone was trippin’ in their car.
Granted, when it was Optimus Prime it was cool. But GoBots were just … lame.
Jem. Let’s face it, she WAS truly outrageous. From her holographic jukebox that could turn the world into a holodeck, to her dumb-ass boyfriend who never realized that she wasn’t two different people. Yeah, I think was the brainchild of whoever invented Ecstacy.
Speaking of freakiness. Who doesn’t remember Rainbow Brite and her crazy striped leggings? I’m still not sure what the cartoon was about, but I think that’s because she had twinkly eyes. And twinkly eyes are just spooky and slightly hypnotic. Couple that with being hopped on Sugar Smacks and chocolate milk….and that’s just a recipe for madness.
I think her show came on right before My Little Pony.
It all comes back to ponies. Son of a bitch, I wish I had a pony.