You know what I’m talking about. It’s freaking hot as an oven outside and I’m in here sniffling and headache-y. That’s lame on so many levels. One, because I hate being sick. It’s like having a day off but then being a waste of space so you can’t even enjoy it. Two, the phrase “summer cold” is kind of retarded. Colds are for the winter, when we’re already miserable. Not for the summer, when we’re supposed to be living some sort of Corona-soaked beach dream complete with perfectly cut limes. Not Sudafed Sinus. Which go down smooth with Coronas. I know this for a fact.
This makes me think of other things that don’t make sense when you say them out loud. Like fat-free butter.
What is butter if not fat? This isn’t Russia. Give us real butter! I can’t image what they are replacing real butter with. Probably something that is going to make me grow a third nipple. Now if it was a third arm, that would be cool. I could use that. You know to open doors and slap children….at the same time. But just a third nipple doesn’t really help me much. Not even in the porn industry. They have a higher shock-value threshold. To them, nipples are like toes. Nothing really shocking there.
What the hell am I talking about?
Oh yeah. 
I also think that dry cleaning should just be renamed “super expensive magical cleaning.” Because, honestly, how do you clean something without WATER? What are they doing back there, rubbing two sticks together on my fine linens? WTF? Whatever voodoo magic that goes on back there apparently costs 89cents a shirt… amazing how cheap magic is these days.
Harry Potter can suck it.
But seriously, the momma-jomma for me would be “pay per view” TV. Okay, so TV is not free as it is. Which is a damn fine shame because that magic box is pure joy. But having to “pay” on top of my monthly fee to see an MMA Cage match or Gaga Live at the Garden? Okay, I would do none of those things. Why not, you ask? Well, I’m not cool like that. That awesomeness is reserved for hipsters. I’m of the wait-til-it’s-on-heavy-rotation-for-free in a few months kind of girl. So the thought of paying extra now just to see if for regular price in a month is fucked up.
Plus , there are a ton of things on DirecTV that I already paid to watch, like this Discovery special on people with extra body parts…. Bonus points if they show BOTH extra arms and nipples.
The porn industry would have a field day with that combo.