Have you ever looked back at what you post on Facebook? I was actually kinda amused/somewhat shocked/intrigued by the abbreviated phrases that I have been spewing out to my friends. Granted, I did this unscientific search on my iPhone, not my computer – so the screen was small, and it only showed me the first 3-5 words of my posts.
I know that I’m not one of those syrupy sweet posters that talk about love and puppies and rainbows. Neither am I the one putting together a chronicle of my day: (you know who you are)…”I’m eating breakfast!/Driving home!/ Getting ice cream!/Taking a Shit”) – let’s hope all those events happened seperately.
I have come to the conclusion that I must have Tourrette’s Syndrome or I’m borderline certifiable. I figured out that like different food groups, I have different post groups – and I’m leaving out the boring ones (Happy birthday/Congratulations/Glad you’re outta prison).
SERIOUSLY: THESE ARE ACTUAL POSTS I HAVE MADE:
The Food Group (or commonly known as “I am obsessed with food, specifically, pie”)
Those cakes are the best!
Lemon? That sounds awesome!
Pie is awesome.
You had me at Burger King
An entire food truck for…
I have an affinity for quoting REALLY great movies:
220…221…whatever it takes (Mr Mom)
Gimme some sugar, baby (Evil Dead)
Mooooon river…… (Fletch)
Superfly TNT…that’s all I have …(Pulp Fiction)
This. Is. Sparta! (300)
I also like talking about people’s mothers:
You kiss your mother with that mouth?
Happy birthday to yo’ momma
Here are some deep thoughts that I am seriously thinking about needlepointing onto a pillow:
It’s all in the knees.
Babies are great…like veal.
Mark Twain speaks the truth.
That may truly blow the commode.
Drinking ALWAYS makes it better.
My favorite words are “dude” and “awesome”:
Dude, it’s a dry heat.
Dude, that is awesome
Two words: Awe. Some.
Finally, I bring you the WTF Category. For the life of me, I can’t imagine what type of conversation I could have been having – because this shit is wheels-off-the-bus crazy.
Way to raise “Hell”vetica, Mike
As in, like, crack?
Are you fucking serious?!
You do love Disneyland…
Was it exorcist quality?
You got a falcon?
You’re about to start singing…
That was so awful…I think
Well played. Vince. Well played.
You only have one?
That shut is funny. Syphilis you…
The “chalk eater”…
Just so klassy…with a “k”
Good to know that these amazing words of wisdom are being saved for future generations. I just hope they enjoy reading them while eating pie. Speaking of pie – and how my world apparently revolves around it….
I leave you dudes with this post nugget of awesome-ness: “Shut your goddamn pie-hole.”
I’m sure I meant that in the BEST possible way.
To someone’s mother, no less.