I know, I know. TV isn’t real. But sometimes I think they are just phoning it in with their set ups. I also know that we’re not a tough crowd to reach – that would explain why the NEWS is still on. A friend of mine “accidently” watched it yesterday… I wasn’t even sure that the news was still out there. Doesn’t everyone get their late-breaking shit from the interwebs? The only “News” I would be interested in watching would feature Huey Lewis, who possibly was in DieHard. But that’s not the point, the point is that there are some things that totally wouldn’t fly in the real world – which is why I don’t watch regular TV, if it ain’t on cable, then I ain’t watching it.

People randomly walking in to your apartment and eating your food. In the real world, that is called “home invasion” and in some states, they can legally shoot you for that. Granted, if someone rolled in and started eating some of my unfrosted Blueberry PopTarts or banana oatmeal, they better be fast on their feet, because I will THROW DOWN.

Everyone is hot, but no one is dating. Seriously? Even the dorks are good looking. Now, I’m not saying dorks can’t be goodlooking and/or innately cool – I’m just saying that if all it took was some Axe Body Spray and a trip to Abercrombie and Fitch…then we’re on to something as a society and Cosmo or Maxim should totally make a quiz about this. But lest we forget, none of them are dating each other – even though they’re single! What is this madness?

Everyone meets cute. They bump into potential flings in elevators or by jumping into the same cab in the rain, or by starting out hating each other, but secretly longing for each other. OMFG. I think I just described the plot to every Romantic Comedy EVER MADE. Real people meet through their friends (which further supports my theory above). Or they meet at work. That’s totally not taboo anymore. Unless you accidently grope the wrong person in the elevator.

Not that that’s happened to me. Seriously. No. This is totally based on a story I heard from a friend.

And finally, they all have apartments in cool cities that they can’t possibly afford. Really? You wait tables and you got 1200 square feet overlooking the park? That’s the one that gets me. Because I know my first apartment was a shithole. Everyone’s first apartment is a shithole. That’s why it’s your FIRST apartment. You gotta be knee-deep in paper-thin walls, surrounded by fucked up neighbors, and the occasional gunshot at 3am to know that you need a good job to get a decent place. That’s way more enticement than the high school guidance counselor gave you. I think they gave me a pamphlet. Way to go the extra mile.

Granted, I tend to watch shows that feature zombies, vampires and serial killers. Talk about not being grounded in reality.

But at least they all have jobs. Good ones.

And good apartments.