Monthly Archives: November 2011

I Buy This Mag For The Pictures – NOT the Articles.

Women’s mags, not the other kind. Granted, everyone in ’em are half-nekkid most of the time, but I know where you’re sewer-mind was going. Because that’s where I would be going, and since you’re all my BFFs, I assume we’re all on this trolley to hell together. So anyway, after spending a long time in the checkout lane, because some douchebag apparently had to the need to buy a effin’ boatload of food. I was checking out all the woman’s mags and it dawned on me that all this time I must only be checking out the pictures and shit, because I completely glossed over how whacked out these “quizzes” they print are. I mean, I’m usually pretty keen on the crazy, but I can’t believe I missed on on these gems.

Sure they must be high on nail polish and hopped up on Red Bull to dream these suckers up but anyone who thinks that their life can be categorized from some random 10 question quiz is some kind of special. So I’ve done a very scientific survey (via the Google machine) and found these ACTUAL quizzes.

Quizzes Determined to Break Up Your Happy Home. 
Are you WAY too good for him? This is my favorite. Because obviously I MUST be too good for him….thank you Cosmo! You’re the best!
Is he devoted to you? Well, now I’m confused, I thought I was too good for him…? 
Is he only after your body? This quiz only had one question. The answer is YES.

Quizzes Determined to Get You Fired.
Are you destined for success? Because 4 years in college was apparently not enough.
Should you date your boss? Surprisingly, this quiz had more then one question. I think it should just have one – and that answer would be….NO.
Do you hook up at work too much? I didn’t realize there was a gray area of “okay amount of hooking up at work” – I am definitely working in the wrong place if HR didn’t tell me about this magic hooking up option.

Quizzes Determined to Leave You Friend-Less.
Are you a true friend? Hmmmm.
Are you a fab friend? Double Hmmm. I guess you cannot be both true and fab… these are hard choices none of those freaky shows like Blossom or Punky Brewster had “Very Special Episodes” about…so I don’t think we’re prepared to make these call. Maybe I’m just a so-so friend… couldn’t find a quiz about that, but no worries, there’s always NEXT month’s issue.

Quizzes Determined to Give Your Psychiatrist Years of Material.
Do you crave attention? If you’re taking this quiz, then YES.
Do you crave approval? Again, if you’re taking this quiz, then YES.
Should you cut your hair short? This is seriously a quiz online. I mean, if you can’t figure this out – you really got to step up your game on decision making. Lord help you when they ask you if you want to SuperSize your fries. 
Are you a hot challenge? Not sure what “hot challenge” means here, but I think it may influence how many subtle seductive vibes I give off.
How spontaneous are you? Spontenous enough to take a 10 question quiz and make a major life decision.
Do you know how to subtley give off seductive vibes? No, I only give off blatent vibes.

Quizzes Determined to Eff-Up Your Game.
Are you a player? Like Scrabble? I freakin’ love Scrabble.
Got girlfriend potential? I think we all agree that a quiz is a great way to determine this.  
How much fun are you? Not much. Just moderately fun.

Quiz that the douchebag buying groceries was taking: Jersey Shore Quotes Quiz.

Yeah. I think the answer he’s looking for is DOUBLE Douchebag.

Where did I leave my Sh!t?

Dudes. I’d like to think I’m fairly normal. Okay. Normal enough. But there are days where I would lose my effin’ head if it wasn’t attached to my effin’ body. I put my keys down on the table, I turned around…and those suckers were frickin’ gone. So after tearing ass through the house. I found them.

In the refrigerator.

Oh, and that’s just incident number one. So later, I’m at work. You know. Working. And then I’m taking off for lunch and I’m trying to find my phone because I’m addicted to it and I can’t even have a meal without it. Don’t judge. You know you do it, too. And I’m getting all bothered and pissed that I can’t find it. Then I realize….

It’s in my hand.

And the clincher? I was actually talking on it at the time.

I think my mind completely forgot that’s what a phone is actually for. Kind of like how fast food restaurants forget that they are supposed to serve food…and then things like the McGriddle are born. Granted, I loves me a McGriddle. But that isn’t food, at best, it’s a food substitute. A freakin’ delicious maple-y food substitute. Great. Now I’m hungry. This happens every time I watch “Super Size Me”… I always want to go get a Big Mac.

But let me get to incident number two, which involves the weather. I hate it when it’s cold in the morning and then hot in the afternoon. I’m talking “jacket weather” cold. Which I wear IN to the office and then forget to take OUT of the office. Then by the end of the week, I got, like, 4 jackets at the office and then I end up freezing my ass off on Friday because I’ve run out of jackets. And then I got to lug 4 jackets home from the office, and the security guard is giving me the stink-eye because I look like some crazy jacket thief. Not that I care about the stink-eye. Brass balls over here, brass balls.

I’ve actually had to start leaving a little note on my computer to remind me to take my jacket home. Like some crazy Alzheimer’s patient. I would put a reminder on my phone.

If I could find the damn thing.

It’s probably in the refrigerator.