Monthly Archives: July 2011

Foods I Like Always Get Discontinued

That pretty much sums it up. I apparently do not choose the popular foods that make it – like Go-Gurt (still trying to figure that out) and Nutella (how is that STILL on the shelf?). Kind of like when you start watching a show, but you know that no one else is watching it – and then it gets canceled and now you’ll never have closure on key plot points? Yeah. I never get food closure.

Stuff with bananas. Bananas are quite possibly the most amazing food in the world. In. The. World. Monkeys were definitely onto something when they figured out that you could peel that yellow boomerang and deliciousness would follow. But that’s for another post about how cool monkeys are when they aren’t ripping your face off. Every time I’m in the grocery store, I see that those food scientists (I’m pretty sure that’s a job) have figured out another way to harness the pure awesomeness of bananas. Banana oatmeal, banana cakes, banana popsicles, banana yogurt. It’s a freakin’ banana lovefest. My cart over flow-eth. But next time I go back, it’s not there.

Those bastards.

Unfrosted Blueberry PopTarts. Granted, I know that PopTarts are diabetes-in-a-box…but sometimes I jones for them like a junkie joneses for a fix. But they don’t sell these at ALL the stores. Mr J usually does me a solid and brings a few from the one store I know carries them, but we don’t really shop there regularly because the store has a weird smell– of Lysol and beets. I know you’re with me about the weird smell thing. PopTarts may be trying to kill us – they load that shit up with a crackly frosting that’s bound to melt the enamel right off your teeth, but the UNfrosted kind is just pure magic. I did see a commercial for PopTarts where they recommended making an ice cream sammich using 2 PopTarts with an ice cream filling. WTF? That’s not Sparta, that’s just madness.

Fried Apple Pies at McDonald’s. Okay, Okay, I get it. Fried is a bad word. Which explains why they keep pushing us to call it KFC, not Kentucky Fried Chicken.  I don’t think that’s what the Colonel would have wanted. Of course, he’s dead….probably from clogged arteries from delicious chicken. Mmm. Chicken.  But we’re talking about pies here. McDonald’s got all big-brother on us and switched to “baked” pies.

Those bastards. Like they think we wouldn’t notice.

Baked pies?! Really, McDonald’s? I mean, come on….baked? Really? Nuked pies, I’ll give you…but baked is totally pushing it. Semantics aside, how I miss those pockets of  fried hot apple fire. Luckily, I travel a bit overseas, and those McDonald’s STILL make those unbelievably delicious pies.

Also, I found out that I can get a hot banana pie there. 

There are too many jokes in the last statement…enjoy.

Drive Thrus are Portals to Hell

Don’t get me wrong. I love the option of getting in my car with no shoes on in my ratty clothes and picking up a prescription without getting out of my car. Not that I do that. Much. But there are some drive-thru experiences that rival the 4th ring of Dante’s Hell- it was THISCLOSE to being the 3rd, but Walmart is the gift that just keeps on giving.

Granted, there times when the drive thru is awesome. Like when you’re jonesing for some Starbucks and you haven’t showered yet. Sure Starbucks never spells my name right, but they really have their drive-thru routine down. But given their very forgiving clientele and fast service – it’s actually faster to go in no matter what you’re sporting.

Actually, I should just be blaming the people IN the drive-thru line for being douches.

Do NOT make 5 separate orders in at Taco Bell. I don’t care if you’re picking up the lunch order for your co-workers and everyone wants something “special.” At that point, you just need to park it and cruise on in there– don’t confuse the guy on the headset, he’s wired for speed not crazy. Plus, this is Taco Bell, you can feed a family of 5 for $8…I think you can put it all on one ticket.

Get your money and go. Seriously. At the drive up ATM there are only 5 choice -and one of those is getting stamps – so that doesn’t count. Put your card in and then take the money out. It’s so easy … why are you making this so hard? And now there’s another car behind me…we’re all just trapped here while try to remember if your PIN is your cat’s birthday.

And for the record, if it IS your cat’s birthday….that is just fucking sad.

Picking up your meds should be easy and fast. I don’t know about you, but I always wait until the last possible second before reordering. So I am usually down to the wire
on getting my ‘scripts. And you never want to be one pill away from growing that third nipple (again). Nor do you want to be waiting for freaking-ever at the CVS. If you got some chatting to do, take your butt INSIDE. Do not engage your pharmacist in some long drawn out conversation about the adverse effects of Alli (bright orange anal leakage, anyone?) while you’re chilling in your Camry. Drug deals are meant to be quick and dirty. Let’s keep them that way.

Speaking of fast, I think Starbucks just called out my drink, one Mocha Latte for a “Charmin”. Hey, it’s squeezable soft, I can roll with that. 

It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity.

That phrase sucks. Because one, it IS the heat. And two, if it’s surface-of-the-sun kind of hot, who gives a shit about the humidity? That’s like slapping me twice. I got it the first time. Must be one of those phrases that people say but don’t really think about what it means. Kind of like “It’s not you, it’s me.”

Oh I disagree. It’s definitely you.

There are a couple of phrases that we hear ALL the time that you don’t really think about when you say it – kind of like conversation filler. We all gotta fill the void. To quote Marselles Wallace’s wife from “Pulp Fiction”…”that’s when you really know you’re comfortable with someone…when you can shut the hell up and enjoy the silence.”

Speaking of filler phrases, here are some real gems:

“We should get together soon.” Okay, to be fair sometimes you actually mean this. But for the most part, it just comes out and now you’ve got this monologue running through your head: “I don’t actually want to hang out. Why would I have said that? Now they’re going to think I want us to get together. Jesus! What if they actually invite us out? Okay, we can say that your mother died and we can’t go? What? We used that last time? Crap. Do they know your mother? Maybe they won’t remember that she died. By the way, isn’t your mother’s birthday tomorrow? We should call her”

“At least you have your health.” As opposed to what, not having your health? And who are saying this to? Someone who just totaled their car? Because at that point, I don’t know about you, but I’m still pretty pissed about the car.

“Shit fire and save matches.” I heard this a few times. And I got to say is: What. The. Fuck. I mean, seriously? Isn’t there a cream for that? And if I can shit fire, the last thing I’m thinking about is how many matches this is going to save. I’m thinking maybe I should go to the doctor? Or at least consult a carnival.

“It could be worse.” Again. Worse than what? I guess it could be worse if I don’t have my health.

Damn it. Now I’m doing it.