Monthly Archives: June 2011

Make Traveling Less Sucky

Don’t be THAT traveler this year on vacation

Oh we all know what I’m talking about. Vacation season is in full swing and as much as we all like to get away, we know that to get to “relaxing and fun” there is a whole lotta “WTF is she stuffing in the overhead bin” with a side of “oh no you didn’t just try to line jump the taxi line.” 


You know who you are. You’re the one that no one wants to sit next to.


Let’s talk about the crazy shit that people use as “luggage.” I put that in quotes because I know for a fact that you can actually BUY luggage at many stores so I don’t know why people have to CREATE luggage. I’m talking to you, Mrs. Cardboard-tied-with-string, and you,  Mr. Fiberglass cooler secured with duct tape. Unlike the Sound of Music, these are not a few of my favorite things.


As a side note, I was traveling to Denver once and happened to glance out the window while the plane filled up and I see one of those airline luggage transporters take a corner just a little too fast and someone’s luggage just hopped right off and was sitting on the tarmac. 

For at least 10 minutes.


Finally a baggage handler drove by, glanced at it and then picked it up. See actual luggage photo so you people know that I’m speaking bibles of truth.


Oh yeah, someone is going to waiting at a baggage carousel for a friend that ain’t coming on down. Let’s hope they packed some undies in their monstrously oversized carry-on. Don’t EVEN get me started on that hot mess.


Layovers. Sure, it seems like a good idea when you’re pajama-surfing airline deals at 11:04pm at night. You’re thinking, “I’m saving at least $50 but stopping over in Albuquerque!” but keep in mind that you may be staying OVER in Albuquerque if there is even a WHIFF of storm in the sky. So make your layovers in cities you like or just go direct.

Actually, just go direct.


Rental cars are like first dates. They show up all shiny and clean. There’s that moment of anticipation and the thrill of the unknown. Then you realize you’re in a compact with auto-nothing….and it smells faintly of fake-vanilla and plastic bag (which is think is how some reality stars must smell…see also Eau de 15-minute).

Trust me. Underneath that Enterprise brown wrapping is NOT a screaming sports car.

I’ve had some hum-dingers in my past: there was the Ford Focus that had a tendency to roll back about 3 feet if you were on an incline and took your foot off the break for just a second which is awesome in San Francisco. Then there was the Jeep with the protective rollbar RIGHT at headlevel so every time you got in the damn thing you practically concussed yourself.  And my favorite was the Ford Escape that keep locking and unlocking the doors randomly when I was driving down the highway  – I was waiting for it to open the door and actually eject me from the vehicle.


Seriously, vacations are fun….when you GET there.  It’s the “getting there” part that we all need to work on.

And while we’re at it, please tell your kid to stop kicking my seat. No, I don’t want you to eat that stinky tuna sandwich on the plane. And if you jump in front of me again in line….I’ll cut you. I don’t care if you’re a nun on the way to a soup kitchen…the line starts back there, lady.

Yeah, Keep walking.