Monthly Archives: May 2011

2 things I’m thinking of: Perfume Ninjas and iPads

And now you are, too. I know we all bitch and complain about things becoming obsolete so quickly. I just bought an iPad last year and they already have a new one out. Sons of Bitches! Steve Jobs and I have a love-hate relationship. Though I think it’s only one-sided – because he totally didn’t send me anything on Valentine’s Day. Unless you count that Restraining Order….which I do.

What I am amazed by is things that haven’t changed, for example:

My DryCleaner. Every time I go in there, same thing happens – I gaze uncontrollable at the clothes-carousel-of-fun. How does he know EXACTLY when to stop to get to my clothes? That technology hasn’t changed – he just holds down the button and then boom – there’s my stuff. That dude totally needs to go on Wheel of Fortune. Ah…. Wheel of Fortune. Remember when you got to shop the showcase with your cash? Once you bought the cruise and the furniture, you’re pretty much struggling to get that last bit spent….”Pat, I’ll take the sculpture in the shape of the dog reading a magazines, the board games, and the lamp with the candy dispenser shaped like a locomotive.” What kind of crazy ass sponsors were they getting?!

Calendars. Okay, let me preface this by saying I’m not one of those people who buys one of those funny animal calendars. You know the ones, with the monkey hanging on tree holding a banana wearing a shirt that says “Hang Loose”. First of all, how did they get that monkey to wear a shirt? Second, that monkey doesn’t look like a surfer, so why is he telling me to “Hang Loose?” These are questions I’ll need to think about for later. Anyway, back to calendars. Every year, there’s a kiosk in the mall just filled with calendars. Who is buying these? Isn’t everything digital now?

Perfume Ninjas. You know who I’m talking about. Those crafty people who sidle up next to you at a fine department store and try to hand you slip of paper doused with Eau de 15-minute-Celebrity. At least they aren’t trying to spritz you anymore. In the past, if you weren’t watching, they’d sneak up next to you and then spritz you on the arm or the neck. Great. Now you’re involuntarily reeking of Britney Spears…along with an uncontrollable urge to get a bag of Cheetos and a Frappachino.

It just bakes my noodle that on one hand I can turn the lights on/off for my house from my iPad, yet I still see people taking film to be developed at the pharmacy. Okay. Bad example. That could possibly be considered “art” (thought most likely just some 80-year-old’s cruise pics….where do they get those giant shrimp for the cocktails?).  But still, you guys have to admit, some industries are totally flying under the radar in the innovation department.

Strangely, I have a hankering for Cheetos and Starbucks. Damn you Perfume Ninjas. If only Steve Jobs could find a way to combine his technology products with puffed cheese snacks – I’m sure he’s already working on it..

You complete me, Steve. You complete me.